That Winter; Part 3 of 3

It was time to go home.
But home was becoming more & more of an illusion. I felt like a wanderer. My heart was in the Middle East, my responsibilities in Texas, & my soul, unsettled.
Unrecognized trauma causes unexplainable tension. Tension that something is wrong. I chalked the tension up to life-stage change (graduating from college & moving) & spending too much time out of the country. But Trauma has a way of hiding itself, which I believe is the Father's protection & grace. Memories escaped into the recesses of my mind, my thinking was clouded.
And because feeling became too painful, tears began to defy gravity. They would puddle in my eyes, but refuse to fall. Numbness replaced emotion, tension was my new reality.

It was time to heal.
My tears fell for the first time in months on that snowy afternoon during my trip. For a brief time, the numb melted, my soul thawing. The revelation stayed fresh in my mind- He loves me. He's with me in the tension. But deep, deep down, I didn't believe it. Don't get me wrong, I stopped 'running' from Him & I was seeing His love in incredible, tangible ways, but that wasn't enough. A piece of my soul subconsciously still believed that God abandons & abuses. Telling myself that He was with me seemed like a false mantra. I felt alone.

Upon my return to the West it continued to snow. I stood there alone in the Frankfurt airport in disbelief, watching the first flakes fall on the other side of the floor-to-ceiling windows. The snow piles were steadily forming. And in an all-too-obvious parallel- the more Winter pressed on, & the closer I was to Texas, the more my defenses went up - my soul frozen, unable to cope with the hurts from the previous weeks & months.

It snowed two more times that damn Winter, but winter isn't forever.
Spring was coming. Redemption was on its way. 🌼