It's Not Fair.

I first wrote about having an abuse anniversary last year. You can read that post here.

It’s not fair to have an abuse anniversary.

It’s not fair that cold, cloudy nights remind me.

It’s not fair that he took advantage of me – turning my desire for approval into an opportunity.

It’s not fair that one day this past year I thought I saw him in Target and started having a panic attack on the granola bar aisle.

It’s not fair that his actions have given me a lifetime of triggers.

It’s not fair that I’m probably not the only one he preyed upon.

It’s not fair that one of my best friends was groped this year.

It’s not fair that a week ago, one of the women I’m closest to engaged with me in a conversation about our abuse experiences for the first time – that heaps of shame kept us from speaking years earlier.

It’s not fair that twenty different thoughts race through my mind, like reflex, when I...

leave my house-pull into a gas station-walk in a parking lot-go running by myself-the doorbell rings-get a direct message from a stranger-feel eyes on me-debate if it’s too late at night for an errand-make sure my keys/phone are in my hand-look over my shoulder.

It’s not fair that I don’t feel I have the freedom to say, “I don’t want to hug you.”

It’s not fair that many good men have a difficult time understanding the depth of the cycle and the havoc it wreaks.

It’s not fair that it’s too often a hush-hush topic, further perpetuating secrets, shame, and fear.

It’s not fair that the statistic says 1 in 4*, but based on the conversations with women in my life? 4 in 4.

It’s not fair that I have to teach my daughter these things.

And no “BUT GOD.”

Because He’s weeping with us. 🌼

*https://endsexualviolencect.org/resources/get-the-facts/national-statistics-on-sexual-violence/