Church Pew Fuzz

It was green, and not that comfortable.

And while listening to the sermon, when the weight of shame was too heavy, causing my head to tilt downward, I would study the threads. My Bible balanced on my early 2000s skirt like a lap desk, as I filled out the blanks in the bulletin in between my textile study. The ‘answers’ usually left me feeling emptier. They weren’t enough to fill the metaphorical spaces, much deeper than the _____ on the paper. More to-dos (or not-dos); more legalism; more you’re-not-good-enough.

I was a ‘good Christian girl’ turned into a good Christian teenager. I asked Jesus “into my heart,” was baptized, did everything you were supposed to do at church, everything you were supposed to do at home, everything you were supposed to do at school...
But when I compared all I did & didn’t do against my secret addiction, I felt baptized in shame.

Shame distorts our vision. It creates a new focal point out of something insignificant, making it significant, so we don’t have to make eye contact; like the fuzz on a church pew cushion.
But Jesus didn’t come to fill the blank space on a bulletin, causing you to tuck your head in shame.  He didn’t arrive asking us to bow our heads and close our eyes and raise our hands when the pastor beckons. 

He came for eye contact.

He came so that we wouldn’t have to study church pew fuzz, but so we may confidently have an upward posture, no matter what we’ve done, where we’ve been, or who we are. 

And He gives a love so radical & without inhibitions that He can’t be boxed into a bulletin or a square in a fill-in-the-blank template. Love without striving, guessing, or fuzz distractions. 
Because Jesus is the antithesis to shame – He came to set us free. 🌼