6 Years
I once saw a semi-funny parody video about a woman training for a marathon. She didn't tell anyone about her training, so her husband was concerned. Rightfully so, because that's not the norm...This is me not being that woman.
I started running eight weeks ago. I had a dream in February that I ran from Austin to Waco, fairly unrealistic, but in the dream I ran with confidence, though obviously exhausted. After I woke up and thought about the dream, the Spirit told me I should start running. It took about a month to digest this instruction...which not coincidentally ended up being around the time our perspective of reality shifted.
I'm not a naturally talented runner. In middle school when we had to run a mile for a letter grade (still don't agree with that system), I had to train, and then I still got a B. I was ticked. So for me to start running out of no motivation but the Spirit, that's a big deal. That's a parody video on YouTube.
I had a miscarriage six years ago today. I've had some anniversaries where I wept, some where I consciously kept myself busy all day, some with elements of redemption...but today? I feel nothing.
I've noticed over the past few years that the days leading up to the 18th are always tinged with a bit of dreadful anticipation. I navigate them and Mother's Day delicately, cautious of what I read and listen to, the conversations I engage in - guarding myself. The days following the 18th always contain a brief sigh of relief; it's over, until the next calendar year. I don't think there's anything wrong with these thoughts and feelings, they're based in residual grief.
But why do I feel the need to guard? Do I really believe the emotional pain I might experience, that I'm guarding against, could be worse than the pain I actually experienced on May 18, 2011?
I'm scared of losing control again. How I felt on that day. But healing comes when we stop guarding - when we relinquish our false sense of control.
So I'm going to run. I'm going to let my guard down, first physically, and then emotionally - a bit more each time my foot touches the pavement. I'm going to pound out my angst and confusion, my questions and fears, just like I have for the last eight weeks. I'll run forward not hoping for healing's arrival, but run alongside His presence, Healing personified. I now understand that THAT'S His character - not when He'll show up, or if. He already has. And He'll never leave.
He didn't leave that morning when I was in the greatest pain of my life, contrary to what I believed at the time, and He hasn't left me still. He hasn't left you, either. You don't need to look around for Him. Just for a moment, if you can, lay aside the fears and lies contrary to who He is and His character, and look at Whose arms you're in.
He was holding me when I cried last night, asking raw questions, emotionally draining myself out before today – just wanting to be numb and guarded. He was holding me as I hugged my girl bye at preschool, dreading continuing forward into this day, feeling alone. And He'll be with me as I run, as the sweat mixes with tears, like a healing baptism - further redemption of May 18th. 🌼